Chronicles of the Meh
by JSaysNo
Summary: This is just what happens when I believe I have talent. Shinji gets a spine, Gendo drinks kinda thing. Please R&R, I need the criticism. Rated M for dirty words and possible sexual references.
1. Shinji Lets Em Have It Part 1

Disclaimer: I own neither Neon Genesis Evangelion nor Jack Daniels. I do own myself…unless Gainax went behind my back again and bought my name (and I liked the name Jimmy Hoffa _SO _much). Well, that about does it.

Author's Note: Ha! You thought that was it! I thought it'd be good to mention that this is my first _serious_ attempt at a Fan Fic. If you find anything wrong with it let me know in a review. I mean what's a college writing class for if not to help you improve your ability to write? Hope you enjoy my sad attempt at humor and maybe a lil bit o' drama…Meh.

Chronicles of the OOC

Chapter 1: Shinji Lets Em Have It Part 1

Rated: M for wirty dords and sexual references and/or suggestions.

Location in Eva-verse: After the 12th Angel, before the 13th

"FGSFDS!" Speech

'_OMGWTFCAKE!'_ Thought

It was clear and sunny Monday morning in Tokyo 3 and all was right in the world…

"Wake up Shinji, you idiot!" Asuka bellowed.

Nevermind.

"Hmmm….wha?" Shinji mumbled as he sat up on his bed. Looking over at his alarm clock he saw the infamous flashing: -12:00-. (A/N: If you don't understand then I hate you, you lucky son of a bitch.) "Son of a bitch, there must have been a blackout."

"Get the fuck out here idiot! I'm going to be late because of you!" Asuka yelled reminding Shinji of the time.

Walking to the door to his bedroom, Shinji slid it aside to see Asuka rushing between the bathroom and her room in a rush to get ready for school. He stood there for a few minutes watching Asuka scramble back and forth before walking back into his room and picking up his cell phone. Flipping it open he checked the built-in clock and stifled a chuckle; it was only 7:13 and school didn't start till 8:30 (A/N: Yes, I know, it seems weird but so does 6 days-a-week school so meh). He walked back to his doorway and tried to tell Asuka about the time only to be repeatedly interrupted. After several minutes of patient attempts Shinji grew tired of being polite.

"Asuka!" Shinji yelled.

"What! Wait. Did you just yell at me?" replied Asuka in a somewhat disbelieving tone.

"Well…you weren't listening and I was trying to…" Shinji began returning to his normal tone.

"How dare you yell at me, the Great Asuka Langley Sohryu, you spineless twerp!" she yelled.

"Tell you…"

"I mean, mein gott, what in the world could _you_ have to say to _me_ that could possibly warrant _you_ to yell at_ me_" Asuka continued in her usual, condescending tone punctuating her sentence by poking Shinji in the chest whilst getting in his face.

"THAT IT'S ONLY 7:20 AND SCHOOL DOESN'T START TILL 8:30!" Shinji screamed back in Asuka's face, set off by the constant belittling of him and others, the slapping and kicking, the way she talked as if she were the most important person in the world and everyone was doomed if she weren't there to save the day when all she had really done was complicate things and make life hard on him and others.

"AND FURTHERMORE, YOU NAZI BITCH, I WISH TO GOD I HAD LET YOU DROP IN THAT VOLCANO! IT WOULD HAVE ALL BEEN SO MUCH SIMPLER HAD YOU NOT BEEN HERE TO FUCK UP EVERYTHING GOOD I HAD GOING FOR ME. I HAD FRIENDS THAT ENJOYED BEING AROUND ME; MISATO ACTUALLY SEEMED AS IF SHE CARED ABOUT ME AND I WAS GETTING AYANAMI TO OPEN UP SOME AND YOU HAD TO FUCK IT ALL UP! I… JUST… FUCK YOU ASUKA, FUCK YOU!"

Following his rant Shinji slammed shut his bedroom door and stumbled back to his bed breathing heavily while Asuka just stood outside his door, slack jawed, trying to comprehend what had just happened.

From Gendo's Little Coco-Cabana called an office…

"Well. This was most unexpected, eh Gendo?" asked Fuyutsuki as he looked at the monitor that had risen out of his former student's desk with the live feed from the Katsuragi/Ikari/Sohryu residence.

Getting no reply Fuyutsuki walked up to Gendo and looked over his shoulder and almost passed out; the man that he still thought of as Rokubungi Gendo, the man who constantly kept Seele on their toes, had let his infamous hand bridge collapse and sat there staring at the monitor with his mouth agape in utter astonishment.

"Holy shit…I guess it's safe to say that this wasn't in the scenario." Fuyutsuki managed.

After getting a couple of bottles of tequila for Gendo and a bottle of Jack Daniels from the bar hidden in the back corner of Gendo's office Fuyutsuki made a call over his former student's desk-mounted speaker system.

"Dr. Akagi report to Commander Ikari's office with A LOT of smelling salts please. I repeat; Dr. Akagi report to Commander Ikari's office with A LOT of smelling salts please. Thank You."

Several minutes later Dr. Ritsuko Akagi, Mad Scientist Extraordinaire, strode into the Commander's office carrying a rather large box.

"What's in the box?" queried Fuyutsuki.

"Smelling salts of course; you DID say to bring 'A LOT'." replied Ritsuko after giving the professor a look that screamed 'Duh!'

"We'll probably need all of them to wake Gendo up."

"Wha—oh my god, what happened?"

"Well…you see…here, just watch the video."

After watching the replay of Shinji tearing Asuka a new one Ritsuko stared at the image the video had frozen on, Shinji flipping Asuka the 'bird'. After about a minute Fuyutsuki coughed into his hand to get Ritsuko's attention.

"So, as you can most likely deduce, the Commander's current condition is due to Shinji's apparent sudden growth of a spine." Kozou told the now blinking Akagi.

"I'll get the salt and wake him up." Ritsuko replied.

After an hour and 895 packs of smelling salt The Bastard King™ finally awoke.

"I just…had the worse dream…ever." Gendo stated as he finished coming out of his shock.

"It wasn't a dream." His Second-in-Command replied as he handed one bottle of tequila to the Doctor and the other to his boss before opening his bottle of Jack.

Gendo blinked at his former sensei before almost tearing the cap off his bottle and downing a fourth of the bottle before wiping his mouth and panting in a near hyperventilation sort of way.

"Was this part of the scen…"

"If you treasure your life at all you will not finish that sentence and you will shut your god damned mouth sensei." Gendo stated in the calmest voice he could muster.

Silence reigned as everyone sat and drank for the next hour. When there was only about a handful of tequila left in his bottle Gendo turned and stared at his secret lover.

"What?" she asked after a minute of the unnerving stare.

"Could this have something to do with what happened during the incident with the twelfth angel?" Gendo asked.

"Possibly, before they completely died the sensors in Shinji's plugsuit indicated that, well, he died." Replied Dr. Akagi.

"_She_ protected him again then." Gendo stated, no one questioned who 'she' was, they all already knew.

"Looks that way." Fuyutsuki opined.

"Have Pilot Ikari brought in for a full battery of physical and psychological examinations…now." Gendo ordered.

"Right away sir." Ritsuko replied before flipping open her phone and calling Shinji's cell. "He'll be here at noon; I have to go prepare for the tests."

"Very well Doctor." Gendo replied in way of dismissal.

After Dr. Akagi had left Gendo calmly turned to his former teacher. "We need to plan for any repercussions this could have on the scenario."

"How can you be so calm, Shinji's mental state and Unit 01 are the two most important things to the Human Instrumentality Project!"

"Simple sensei, I think well when I remain calm."

"Anyway, what should we do to alleviate any threat Shinji's newly grown spine might present considering breaking this spine of his would probably cripple him mentally?"

"We could always have Rei get close to him; he is attracted to her after all."

"As you wish _sir_." Kozou replied with all the sarcasm he dared.

"Leave me, I have work to do." Gendo growled out.

After Fuyutsuki's departure Gendo opened the DNA-locked drawer and withdrew a small framed picture of a beautiful woman holding the hand of a small boy, Shinji.

"We'll be together soon honey. No matter the cost, we'll be together again. I promise." He whispered to the photo.

During the events in Gendo's Niche In Hell™…

Shinji decided to forgo staying in the apartment with Asuka and got ready for school. After grabbing his satchel ten minutes later he walked out of his room fully prepared to deal with Hurricane Asuka only to find her still staring at his room, mouth agape. Shrugging he gently closed her mouth for her and continued out the door after scribbling a note for Misato and putting it where he knew she would find it when she woke up at noon, it being her day off and all.

30 Minutes later…

Shinji had finally found a breakfast restaurant that looked appropriate to him and sat down to wait for a waitress. He placed his order and thought about what had happened since he had gotten out of the twelfth angel three days ago while sipping on his tea.

'_I've felt weird ever since the battle with the twelfth.'_

In fact, whenever he tried, no matter how hard, he couldn't figure out what happened after he 'blacked out'. This and the way everyone that had witnessed his Eva's triumphant return looked at him warily the first couple of days after the twelfth.

'_I'll ask Dr. Akagi next time I'm at Nerv; she'll know…hopefully.'_

Twenty minutes later he left for school feeling quite full and, for once, pretty good. When he arrived at school he noticed he was ten minutes early so he went ahead to classroom 2A and sat in his seat. He pulled his SDAT out of his bag and closed his eyes as the melodies of Mozart began singing to his soul.

Five minutes later Shinji was snapped out of his blissful state by the feeling he was being stared at. He opened his eyes to find the Class Representative, Hikari Horaki, staring at him intently. The Class Rep jumped back, caught off guard, and began to blush what Shinji thought made a cute shade of red on her.

'_Wait. Since when do I think of Hikari like that? Hmmm…I have some thinking to do.'_

"Uh, Hikari, why were you staring at me?"

"Uh…well Shinji…I um… thoughtyoulookedcutewhenyourfacewasallpeacefullikethat –breath – whenitusuallylookslikeyouhavetheweightoftheworldonyourshoulders – breath - whichIguessyoudobutit'snotrightthatyouhavetobearsuchalargeresponsibility."

After stopping and thinking about what he had just heard Shinji blushed a little at the repercussions of Hikari thinking he was cute and what he was about to say.

"Thanks Hikari…I…uh…think you're cute too when you blush like that."

Hikari froze at what she had just heard. _'Did he just say what I think he said? He couldn't have…could he? I mean…what about Asuka? I thought he liked her. The other students are coming I'll have to think about this after school.'_ Hikari then thanked Shinji fro talking and went to greet each of the students.

Aside from the little escapade with school went the same as usual, besides the apparent lack of Asuka, until about 9:30 when Shinji got a call on his cell phone. Everyone turned to look at him with a grim look that begged him to say it wouldn't be an angel attack.

"Sorry…lemme get this." Shinji mumbled out upon realizing all the looks.

"Hello. Uh-huh. Okay, I'll be there. See you later Doctor."

After hanging up Shinji noticed everyone staring even more intently at him than before. It took him a second but, not being as dumb as Asuka suggested, to realize that they wanted an explanation.

"Uh…yeah…they were just letting me know I was needed for tests at noon."

"Is that all Mr. Ikari?" the teacher asked.

"Yes sir, it was."

"Good. Now…where was I?"

At this the entirety of the class groaned in unison earning a raised eyebrow from the elderly teacher. Shinji noticed that as everyone turned back around to face the front a few of the girls in the class were still staring at him and some even seemed to be giving him appraising looks. Shinji was starting to get nervous with all the attention he was being paid. Little did he know even Rei was appraising him.

When 11:30 rolled around Shinji was excused from class so he could get to Nerv on time. He noticed that as he got up and bent over to pick up his satchel several of the girls and a one or two of the guys in class were staring at his ass. Shinji was starting to get nervous.

'_What the hell is going on here?'_

As he walked through the halls of Nerv Shinji kept getting the feeling that people were staring at him from behind but whenever he turned to look _no one_ was ever looking his way. He started getting worried; there was _always_ someone looking at him at Nerv, if only because he was one of the three pilots that protected them.

As he reached Dr. Akagi's office he knocked and entered when told to. He watched as Dr. Akagi finished reading a report and tucked it into one of her desk drawers.

"So Shinji, how are things?"

"Alright I guess. Everyone's acting kind of weird today and I'm feeling kinda weird myself."

"Let's run some tests then to find out if you're having any problems, okay?"

"Sure." Shinji replied dreading the poking and prodding he was going to endure.

To Be Continued in Part 2

My Post-Chapter Rant:

Well…there it is; my first attempt at a Fan Fic. Oh yea…I'm gonna at least do a Part 2 to finish this up but I can't decide what to do after this: Try and do chapters dedicated to different scenarios of Characters be OOC or _TRY_ and make this into a story of sorts…all the way through 3rd Impact, if it occurs. Lemme know what you think in a review. And the list of people I'd like to thank is too long so see my Favorite Authors list.


	2. Chapter 2: A Poking & Prodding We Go

Disclaimer: I own neither Neon Genesis Evangelion nor Yebisu (such a travesty). I do own myself… unless Gainax went behind my back again and bought my name (and I liked the name Jimmy Hoffa _SO _much). Well, that about does it.

Author's Note: Sorry about the extra days' wait. School kicked my ass and work kills me half the time, back to business. If you find anything wrong with this fic let me know in a review. Hope you enjoy my sad attempt at humor and maybe a lil bit o' drama…Meh. I'd like to thank everyone who read and reviewed the first chapter; if it keeps going like this I should be able to crank out a chapter per week. Thanks again mates!

Chronicles of the OOC

Chapter 2: A Poking & Prodding We Go

Rated: M for wirty dords and sexual references and/or suggestions.

Location in Eva-verse: After the 12th Angel, before the 13th

"FGSFDS!" Speech

'_OMGWTFCAKE!'_ Thought

-WTF HAXXORZ!11ONE- Phone/Intercom/Com Link Speech

STFUNOOB! Me

:RAFSHAFADDUHTECHNOLOGA: Letter/Note/Whatever

Still Monday – Current Time: 1:00p.m. and slightly Cloudy.

(In other words about an hour from the end of Chapter 1 12:00 noon)

"Are we done yet Dr. Akagi?" Shinji whined from the other side of the changing curtain.

"Almost, we just need to see if you can still sync with Unit 01."

"Oh goodie…" he mumbled.

After hearing this Dr. Akagi started wondering if Shinji could be as bad as Asuka when she got angry. She let the idea settle for a full second after considering his apparent growth of a pair and hit her speed dial for Section 2 to update them. During her 2 minute listing of new precautions and sedatives to order she thought she heard someone in the back ground.

"Dr. Akagi."

Still talking.

"Dr. Akagi."

Nothing.

"Dr. Akagi! Pay fucking attention to your damn job!"

"Sorry Commander Ikari!" she replied as a reflex.

"What did you just call me Doctor?"

"Uh…sorry…someone usually has to yell or something to get my attention when I'm on the phone; only damn thing still left from when I was a teenager."

"Oooook …whatever. Can we finish up now?"

"Sure. Get changed and meet me in Unit 01's cage."

"Sure, I'll be there in a few minutes."

"Take your time Shinji." Dr. Akagi added.

Shinji just grunted an affirmation before walking through the door and to the pilots' locker rooms. A few minutes later he arrived in Unit 01's cage. As he walked in he stared at the face of his giant biomechanical monster that contained the soul of his dead mother that will later be used in third impact… Sorry about that, Scar Queen's punch to the base of my skull just reminded me, Shinji doesn't know that, yet.

"Now, if you'll just hop in the entry plug we can begin the test." Dr. Akagi said in way of a convenient trap door for the author.

Thanks.

"Stop breaching the fucking fourth wall already!"

Oh…sorry. It won't happen again. Carry on.

"That's better. Now, where were we Shinji?"

"Dr. what the fuck was that? Who were you talking to and what in god's name is the 'fourth wall'?"

I can fix this!

"Oh my god! I'm hearing voices now too!"

Oh Jesus Christ… Hold him down and I'll wipe his memory. Oh shit…I'll have to wipe everyone else's memory here. Damn it! Reset!

And it was if I hadn't fucked up.

"Now, if you'll just hop in the entry plug we can begin the test."

"Wow. I'm getting some weird sense of déjà vu." Shinji suddenly tripped and hit his head conveniently killing all the brain cells that had knowledge of déjà vu. Lucky no?

"That's weird. Anyway, I'll be on the bridge so let us know when you're ready."

Picking himself up Shinji muttered an ok and entered the entry plug. Well, that was redundant.

Shinji started to think about what it would be like when he got home and if Hurricane Asuka would go back into full swing as the techs started calling out the activation steps.

"Just relax and concentrate Shinji; we'll be done before you know it." Maya said when she saw the bored look on Shinji's face which she mistook for exhaustion.

Shinji just nodded and looked at his screen that showed the command deck. That was when he noticed his Father, Rei, and the Sub-Commander watching his test.

'_That's weird, Rei's watching my test. She doesn't even care so…wait! Why is father watching this test? Usually Sub-Commander Fuyutsuki monitors these kin of things.'_

As if hearing what his soon was thinking the Douche of the Universe™ winner for the past decade stood up and walked to his Elevator O' Doom™, followed by Rei, and descended into hell, er, wherever it is he descends to.

After his father's departure Shinji quietly closed his eyes and concentrated on his 40 story biomechanical beast of the apocalypse for the next hour.

"You're all done now, Shinji, and congratulations! Your sync ratio has hit an all-time high." Dr, Akagi announced.

"Uh…thanks I guess." He replied in his new 'uh, ok but I don't care voice'.

"You can go get changed now; we're done for the day so you can go home."

"Okay. See you around then." He replies before heading off for the showers and then home.

(Current time: 1:15p.m. and it's still slightly cloudy)

During Shinji's test, At the Ikari-Katsuragi-Sohryu Residence…

Misato lazily walks out of her room before noticing Asuka staring at Shinji's bedroom door.

'_What the fuck is goin' on here?'_

She walked over to Asuka and waved in front of her eyes.

Nothing.

She then started to poke Asuka in the arm knowing how pissed off it would make her.

Still nothing.

'_Fuckin hell! What is wrong with her?'_

Remembering she thought better with a little beer in her system she headed for the fridge. Opening the fridge she sees a note from Shinji so she grabs it and a six-pack before heading back to the living room.

:Misato

Told Asuka off this morning and appears she has gone for a vacation. If she isn't back yet I suggest telling her you're pregnant with Kaji's love child or something like that. Remember to act like you just got off the phone too.

See you this evening,

Shinji

After reading the note and then rereading the note she chuckles as she opens her sixth beer. After downing her last beer she uses her cell phone to call the house phone and answers it.

-Hello?-

-Oh, it's just you Kaji.-

-You found what?-

-I read it wrong!-

-I'm _WHAT!_-

-You gotta be fucking kidding me; I can't be pregnant!-

At this Misato noticed Asuka's left eye starting to twitch before she blinked several times in rapid succession before turning to stare at Misato.

"_What_ did you just say?" she growled.

-Gotta go Kaji, bye. - Misato said before quickly hanging up.

"What the fuck did you just say?" Asuka repeated looking like she would tear Misato's head from her shoulders.

"It was just a joke to get you to snap out of it! It was all Shinji's idea! I swear it!" Misato answered as she threw the note at the slowly advancing Asuka.

"This better not be a distraction to sneak away."

Misato was dumbstruck. _'She hit the nail on the head. Damn.'_

After quickly reading through the note Asuka slowly crumpled up the note until it was the size of a pea before throwing it onto the kitchen table where she had cornered Misato.

"I'm gonna beat his emo ass for this!"

"Now Asuka, I don't think you will."

"And why is that?"

"One, we need him to pilot. And B, he can cook and clean."

"So?"

"Are _you_ going to do either of those?"

"Of course not, that's what Shinji's f…"

"Exactly my point."

"Oh."

"I'm hungry, you?"

"Yea. Let's get take out."

"Sure."

After the two left Gendo pressed a button on his desk shutting off the live feed from his son's home. _'I can use this to my advantage. The scenario's success is assured. '_

TO BE CONTINUED.

Post-Crap Rant:

Sorry about this being shorter, I felt Rei's conversation with Gendo should be saved for Chapter 3 as well as her and Shinji conversing. Review. Flamers will be sent to hell courtesy of Scar Queen. Peace.


End file.
